Chapter 1: A Master of Science

Dear readers of Medium,

It has come to my attention that many of you may not be aware of my recent accomplishments. As of December 17, 2021, I proudly hold the title of Master of Science from Arizona State University. This designation signifies that I am not just a scientist in name; it confirms my rigorous training in rational thought and analytical reasoning. Consequently, it is often advisable not to challenge my views, as they tend to be well-founded and often correct.

I can only assume your silence on my previous posts indicates a silent agreement with my insights. Surely, my well-reasoned arguments have swayed you to recognize the validity of my opinions.

However, some among you seem to believe that my scientific reasoning is confined to specific fields of expertise. On the contrary! My superior analytical skills render my opinions on any subject—be it politics, religion, lifestyle choices, aesthetic judgments, or musical preferences—more accurate than yours. For instance, it is a scientifically backed fact, in my esteemed opinion, that the Beatles surpass the Rolling Stones in every conceivable way. This debate is over; the matter is settled.

Yet, some of you have audaciously expressed your contrary views in the comments section of my posts, as if your unscientific opinions hold the same weight as mine. How absurd! Let me reiterate: I AM A SCIENTIST.

I do not form my conclusions whimsically. I arrive at sound judgments only after thorough consideration of all relevant information. I craft hypotheses based on extensive research and data analysis. I am not influenced by catchy phrases or public opinion unless supported by robust evidence. I have no brand loyalty, and my sense of nationalism is non-existent. Even familial loyalty, shaped by trauma and distance, holds little sway over my reasoning.

I embody pure rationality, devoid of opinions. My beliefs represent future truths, yet to be acknowledged by minds less enlightened than mine. I am a scientist, and I have credentials to prove it. Arizona State University would affirm this claim, as would my employer, depending on their disposition. Observers see me engaged in various scientific endeavors, and I possess the analytical skills to manipulate statistics to support any argument I choose.

Even if you witness actions you deem irrational—like indulging in red meat, skimping on sleep, or partaking in recreational substances—rest assured, there is a deeper scientific rationale at play. Should you see me donning a pink tutu and a tiara while provocatively singing in a biker bar, I assure you, there is a logical explanation, regardless of what the police report suggests.

Everything I do is for the sake of science, as I am a SCIENTIST. So, kindly refrain from arguing with me. It’s been a long day, and I could use a hug.

Chapter 2: The Burden of Knowledge

As a bearer of scientific knowledge, there lies a responsibility to educate others. The journey of a scientist is not merely about personal accolades but about contributing to the collective understanding of our world.