Chapter 1: The Search for Self-Worth

In the backdrop of my ex-husband's carefree vacation in Hawaii with my children, I find myself grappling with a sense of absence. This extended period without my kids is challenging. Instead of confronting my emotions, I’ve opted for a week off work—my attempt at staying productive feels more like an exercise in futility.

Despite creating a detailed checklist of tasks, I've only managed to tick off a fraction of them. My procrastination looms over me like a relentless specter, tempting me with the promise of completion that always remains just out of reach.

It struck me today how many individuals grow up with the belief that they are destined for greatness. When fortunate events occur, they attribute them to either hard work or destiny. I’m striving to adopt this mindset, yet it often feels forced and disingenuous.

I understand the mantra: “fake it till you make it.” I must cultivate belief in myself and reinforce this notion. But even when I'm alone, I feel an invisible scrutiny, as if I don't belong in this optimistic realm. Tears threaten to spill as I resist the urge to sink into negativity.

It's incredibly difficult to strive for self-improvement when I feel undeserving of the good things in life. The blessings I possess don’t stem from effort or fate; they seem to be mere strokes of luck. I recognize that relying on luck implies these moments may be fleeting, and that the things I desire may not be within my grasp.

I hold a degree and a job, yet I'm acutely aware of how precarious my situation is. The fear of losing my employment or home is ever-present. Additionally, the feeling of insecurity has been a constant in my life, particularly when another adult shares my living space. While I have enjoyed dating, true love seems to elude me, as those I desire often choose others.

When my first child was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder and developmental delays, it ignited jealousy towards parents of neurotypical children. While their kids thrived in sports, mine attended therapy sessions. Others traveled freely, while simple outings became monumental challenges for us.

I know this mindset is flawed; I acknowledge it logically. I aspire to feel worthy. Previously, I would retreat into self-loathing during tough times. Yet, I need to navigate through this discomfort, as my future self will surely wish I had been kinder to myself during these turbulent years.

I channel my energy into ensuring my children feel loved, even when they perceive me as overly strict compared to their more lenient father. My son is about to enter seventh grade, an age when I battled severe self-doubt. I worry as I observe his self-esteem waver, wishing I could shield him from such pain.

In my quest to keep my kids engaged, I’ve enrolled them in online classes, including a self-esteem workshop for Ashton. My goal is not only to prevent them from straying onto dangerous paths but also to instill a sense of worthiness in them.

It's heart-wrenching to witness my children wrestle with their self-worth. I often feel the urge to confine them in a room and shout affirmations of their brilliance, hoping to counteract their struggles.

At this point, I should proclaim, “I deserve to feel lovable and worthy too!” I’m meant to nurture myself the way I wish I had been raised. Yet, that feels unrealistic.

More attainable is finding joy in moments of neutrality. I’m not overly optimistic nor completely self-deprecating; I simply exist. These neutral moments bring a sense of calm, allowing me to focus on tasks that offer fulfillment, even if they aren’t enjoyable—like doing laundry.

I’ve mastered the art of procrastination. While I can be highly productive, especially before my divorce, I thrive under pressure. Without my kids around, my routine is chaotic. Financial stability also plays a role in task completion; resources allow me to tackle projects effectively. I didn’t realize the freedom money provides until it became scarce.

As I ponder how to conclude this reflection, I find myself in a space neither hopeful nor bleak—just a simple acceptance of reality. Life doesn’t come with a magic fix; each day is an opportunity to move forward, even if some days feel significantly tougher than others.

Chapter 2: The Impact of Divorce on Children

The first video, "Is Self Worth An Illusion?" explores the concept of self-worth and its implications on personal development. It delves into whether our perceptions of worthiness are genuine or fabricated.

The second video, "Recognizing Your Self-Worth When Things Feel 'Too Hard' With Tiffany Houser," offers insights into finding self-worth during challenging times, reminding us that our value isn't dictated by circumstances.