Navigating Self-Help: When Tools Mislead Us into Harmful Choices
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Chapter 1: Understanding the Impact of Self-Help
Currently, I'm delving into The Book of Chakra Healing by Liz Simpson, which has proven to be quite insightful. My previous knowledge about chakras stems from my yoga practice and the guidance of professionals, including my therapist. However, this book offers a comprehensive exploration of each chakra's traits and associated archetypes, alongside exercises, meditations, affirmations, and crystals aimed at healing and balancing.
As I was reflecting on the root chakra, one of the daily inquiries struck me: “Have you lost contact with your family or friends? How could you reconnect?” Instantly, my father came to mind. The last conversation we had left me feeling pressured, as he lamented my infrequent calls, reminding me of his and my stepmother's advancing age and the need for regular check-ins.
Conveying my feelings to him is challenging. Firstly, I have little desire to strengthen my bond with my stepmother, especially after her threat to sue my publisher over my memoir. Secondly, our interactions often leave me feeling stifled, reminiscent of a child unable to assert herself.
Is it truly a conversation when one person dominates the dialogue? During our calls, I often find myself merely listening to his life updates. I might put him on speakerphone while multitasking, responding with half-hearted affirmations to show I'm engaged. Occasionally, I attempt to share snippets of my life, hoping to spark mutual interest, but this usually leads to awkward silences before he resumes his monologue, leaving my contributions unheard.
This year, I made a commitment to step away from years of people-pleasing behavior. I am tired of accommodating others while minimizing my own identity. Consequently, I’ve contemplated the nature of my relationship with my father. Do I want to endure calls filled with dread and a sense of invisibility? Do I wish to feel gaslit into believing the issue lies solely with me for not reaching out? Do I want to continue feeling estranged from my own father?
Sometimes, I find myself gaslighting my own thoughts. Questions like the one that triggered these reflections can be more harmful than beneficial. Instead of thinking of positive relationships, my mind gravitates toward toxic individuals with whom I’ve set boundaries—narcissists, gossipers, and abusive partners. This reminds me of an experience I had while reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which led me back into a detrimental relationship that I had convinced myself was my fault.
Have you ever found yourself twisting self-help concepts to blame yourself? For those of us who are self-improvement enthusiasts, it is all too easy to view the world through a lens of optimism while perceiving ourselves as glaringly out of place. The illusion that we alone can manifest the changes we seek only fosters further self-loathing. As Buddha wisely stated, “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”
Despite these challenges, I take pride in my ability to identify these detrimental patterns—this recognition itself signifies progress.
Think Before You Act
If you tend to let self-help resources lead you into self-deception, it's crucial to evaluate your choices carefully before acting. After reflecting on the root chakra chapter, I felt an urge to call my dad, overwhelmed by guilt for not doing so sooner. Yet, I reminded myself of the reasons for our distance and the boundaries I’ve established.
We should never feel compelled to maintain closeness with family who have caused us pain. Instead, I choose to focus on distant friends or family whose company I genuinely miss—like my older brother. I intend to reach out to him this week.
Furthermore, I aim to find the courage to express to my dad why maintaining communication with him is difficult for me. If he remains unable to understand my perspective, then perhaps distancing myself is a necessary step. Kitty Williams has encouraged me to recognize this option.
Whatever direction I choose, I’m certain I’ll share my journey in future articles. Thank you for reading.
Chapter 2: Recognizing Patterns and Seeking Solutions
In this video, "Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 11/11 - Gaslighting," the discussion centers around how gaslighting can distort our perceptions and emotions, urging viewers to recognize and confront these toxic dynamics.
The video titled "5 Ways to Deal with Gaslighting and Regain Control of Your Life" provides practical strategies for overcoming gaslighting effects, emphasizing the importance of reclaiming one’s narrative and establishing healthy boundaries.
