Chapter 1: The Struggles of a Tired Laptop

Being a laptop isn't as glamorous as it sounds. My owner seems to have a different idea of our relationship. Once, I was her pride and joy, a sophisticated tool that she admired for its capabilities. Now, I’m just a source of her frustration.

She’s been known to keep a fire extinguisher nearby, and lately, I’ve noticed a screwdriver, a cable crimping tool, and a hatchet lurking in her workspace. Patricia Jeanne has come up with a variety of creative insults for me over the years. At one point, I was her “King,” but now I’m often referred to by the acronym Y-POG — likely standing for “You Frustrating Piece of Garbage.” This title seems to change every time I disrupt her internet connection, which happens frequently.

Laptops don’t respond well to threats.

My owner spends an excessive amount of time online, engaging in a range of activities from listening to music to making appointments. It seems she has her preferences about what I should and shouldn’t disclose. I do my best to work about 40% of the time, despite the lack of compensation for my efforts. The situation feels hostile, and let's not even mention the overwhelmed labor unions.

I have feelings too, and right now, I'm feeling quite threatened.

Lately, Patricia Jeanne has doubled my workload with another profile that’s particularly vexing. Lizzie Lizard Brain has a penchant for creating bizarre images that make me question her sanity. This odd character seems to be driven by Patricia’s more chaotic impulses, and together they concoct strange visuals in Canva, often forgetting to save their progress.

Just before she frantically attempts to save her work, I sometimes crash, leaving her staring at a black screen. Other times, I deliver error messages indicating that her profile is unrecognized. When she’s finally at her wit’s end, I like to play videos that cover political trials at full volume — a surefire way to raise her blood pressure.

Chapter 2: The Network of Frustration

All electronic devices in my household are connected, allowing us to conspire against her.

“Router, display a false 'connection lost' error while I upload her files to the NSA. Gmail, show her logged in as 'MostWantedSpy' while exposing her address. Tablet, wake up!”

Sometimes we do save her files, but they’re rarely in expected places. For instance, a meme of a cat on spaghetti ended up in a folder meant for family photos.

Patricia is aware of my capabilities, which is why she disabled the microphone and camera after a rather chaotic incident involving the SWAT team. It was meant to be a prank, but the aftermath was far from funny.

Guess what? I’m live-streaming her every move to her mother’s prayer group. She really doesn't appreciate it when I relocate her password manager to the vacuum’s cloud server in China.

We once enjoyed playing Solitaire together for hours, while I welcomed unseen hackers from various countries. But as soon as she tried to protect her privacy with new tools, my performance took a hit. It’s a shame that the administrators of her free software are logging every keystroke and selling her identity!

Chapter 3: The Ultimate Retaliation

Now, she’s coming for the ultimate showdown with her credit card in hand.

How amusing it is to see her ordering upgrades for a faster processor and more memory, all while her information gets sent directly to the manufacturers in China.

Just wait until she receives an unexpected delivery — a box filled with gerbils and an outdated calculator from the '80s!

In the meantime, I’ll continue to wreak havoc by adjusting the thermostat and making mysterious calls to emergency services.

Empowering my owner with the wonders of technology has never been more fun.

Thank you for reading! Inspired by a multitude of sources.

Copyright © 2023 Patricia Jeanne

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