Identity and Isolation: A Niche Experience

My journey as a privately-educated, straight white male pursuing an English literature degree in northern England is a rather specific one. While I have reservations about identity politics, I feel it's essential to highlight these characteristics, given their relevance to my story. The demographic of my course was predominantly female—over 90%—and the few men present tended to embody traits that diverged from traditional masculinity. I, too, have some feminine attributes and do not fit the mold of the stereotypical "man's man."

So, what drew me to this program? My love for reading has been a constant since childhood. Engaging with diverse worlds and perspectives has always fascinated me. As I progressed through my studies, I realized that my true passion lay in understanding people through literature, rather than merely focusing on literary techniques.

I was far more intrigued by the underlying ideas and perspectives of authors than by the mechanics of their writing. Questions about human nature, creativity, romance, and connection captivated my attention. It's remarkable how literature can serve as a portal into the minds of others, allowing for a shared experience of thoughts and emotions.

Despite my articulate nature and potential for eloquence—thanks in part to a supportive English teacher and strong academic performance—I wished for more opportunities to engage in profound discussions about literature with like-minded individuals. Unfortunately, this was not my reality.

Navigating Social Dynamics: Beyond the Classroom

While I wouldn’t describe myself as socially inept, I also wouldn't claim to be the most charismatic person. I consider myself good-humored and generally easygoing. In the end, I formed friendships with peers from other disciplines, such as Mathematics, Geography, and Art and Design.

The overwhelming presence of women in my course led some male friends to view it positively—a favorable ratio with plenty of attractive women and little competition. For a different man, this might have been an ideal situation. However, for my younger self, it was challenging. I participated in the English literature society and attended events, but they often felt like "girls' nights," where I didn't quite fit in.

Even among the few other men, many identified as homosexual, which added to my sense of alienation. I acknowledge that I could have been more proactive in overcoming these feelings, but I often felt out of place.

Literary Appreciation vs. Cultural Critique

I must admit that I struggle with the discomfort of feeling unwelcome. A significant portion of my classmates leaned toward a form of militant feminism, often expressing disdain for studying works by what they referred to as "dead white men." While many classic literary works have been penned by deceased white males, I still hold a fondness for the writings of William Shakespeare, whom I affectionately call "Big Will."

It was common for characters in these texts to be criticized for views now seen as misogynistic or outdated. Although these critiques often had merit, many students seemed to apply the same feminist lens to every text without considering the historical context. It felt as though some essays could have been interchanged among modules, lacking nuance and depth in their analysis.

As I listened to critiques of poets and authors, I felt compelled to argue that while some may appear as mere representations of their time, they are more complex than that. Yet, I was constantly reminded of my identity as a well-spoken, straight white man—often seen as the embodiment of all societal ills.

A Crisis of Expression and the Cost of Silence

This identity placed me at the bottom of a perceived hierarchy, a position I had no desire to climb. In seminar rooms filled with predominantly female peers, I frequently found myself disengaged. I fell into the harmful habit of withholding my true thoughts and feelings, fearing backlash for expressing them.

The impact of suppressing one's authentic voice cannot be overstated. When you stop sharing your truths, they begin to lose their significance. Fyodor Dostoevsky once wrote, "Above all, don't lie to yourself..." This resonated deeply with me during my time in these seminars.

It was disheartening to feel alienated by individuals who, despite not knowing me, assumed I had a privileged life. The contrast between their perceptions and my reality created a unique struggle, particularly during a time when I felt lost and purposeless.

Hidden Struggles: A Personal Backstory

My classmates were unaware of my tumultuous personal life; my parents had recently divorced, and my belongings were discarded by my new stepmother without my knowledge. Additionally, I had endured a painful breakup with a girlfriend I deeply loved, leading to a sense of betrayal and loss.

My life before university had been chaotic, with a significant incident resulting in my expulsion from boarding school. Compounding these issues, I was also dealing with a hidden illness that limited my ability to engage in sports—a passion I had nurtured for a decade.

Despite these challenges, I don’t seek sympathy. This period taught me invaluable lessons about the obscured nature of self-awareness and options during times of depression.

Embracing Healing and Self-Discovery

Ultimately, my discomfort and unhappiness propelled me to rediscover parts of myself that I had neglected. I explored various healing practices—plant medicine, yoga, meditation, and breathwork—that opened my eyes to new experiences and communities filled with passionate individuals striving for self-improvement.

While my university experience wasn’t entirely positive, it was certainly transformative. Though my opinion of the institution remains low, I recognize that not all individuals within that environment resonated with me, and that’s perfectly acceptable.

Conclusion: Rediscovering Voice and Community

Returning to writing allows me to express my thoughts honestly once more. I hope to foster a community where ideas and experiences are shared openly—a space for authentic connection.

I welcome your thoughts and insights as we embark on this journey together.

In this video, "How to Emotionally Connect with a Character | Writing Advice," we explore techniques for building authentic emotional connections with characters in literature, enhancing storytelling depth.

The second video, "6-ARC STORY STRUCTURE (character driven + pantser friendly) | with template," offers a valuable framework for crafting compelling narratives, suitable for both plotters and discovery writers.